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Joke Home > Miscellaneous Jokes > !! actual things said in court !!

!! actual things said in court !!

Total Views: 7,623 Last Updated: 10/10/2007 Number Votes: 1,026 | Average: 0.04

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?     WITNESS: No, I just lie there.     ____________________________________________________________    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?     WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.     ______________________________________     ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?     WITNESS: Yes.     ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?     WITNESS: I forget.     ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?     _____________________________________     ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?     WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"     ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?     WITNESS: My name is Susan!     ______________________________________     ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?     WITNESS: We both do.     ATTORNEY: Voodoo?     WITNESS: We do.     ATTORNEY: You do?     WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.     ______________________________________     ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it     Until the next morning?     WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?     ____________________________________     ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?     WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.     ________________________________________     ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?     WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?     ______________________________________     ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?     WITNESS: Yes.     ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?     WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!     ______________________________________     ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?     WITNESS: Yes.     ATTORNEY: How many were boys?     WITNESS: None.     ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?     WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?     ______________________________________       ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?     WITNESS: By death.     ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?     WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?     ______________________________________     ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?     WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.     ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?     WITNESS: Guess.     _____________________________________     ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?     WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.     ______________________________________     ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?     WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?     ______________________________________     ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?     WITNESS: Oral.     ______________________________________     ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?     WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.     ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?     WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table     Wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!     ____________________________________________     ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?     WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?     ______________________________________     --- And the best for last: ---     ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?     WITNESS: No.     ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?     WITNESS: No.     ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?     WITNESS: No.     ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?     WITNESS: No.     ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?     WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.     ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?     WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Thanks to Willie Schertz for this joke. 

Miscellaneous Jokes > Joke 4 of 378 in the Miscellaneous Jokes category.
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