"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name
and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
"A is for
academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a
"Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you
are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial-aid institution, you didn't
lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't
worry, I have plenty of money."
(Narrator's voice): There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly...the telephone
rings! The bathroom e-x-p-l-o-d-e-s into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale
in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time?
Alas, no! His valiant effort is in vain! The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a
"Hi!...Now, you say something."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From a Japanese friend in Toronto)..."He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message,
I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. .Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape
deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave
your message, just hold it up to the phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give
to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can
reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons and can't come to
the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now.
You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you
hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now
being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be
able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral
purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything
you say will be recorded and will be used by us."
"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now,
because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I
like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you."